I only have 4 resolutions. The first is to make it back to Sage Summit and the other is to make it to 2015. Are those doable? Sure, why not. It’s not like I’m doing much else and my main goal(s) requires me doing my part to not let this cancer get me into states of depression, sadness and self pity. The 4th resolution is that I continue to building a positive image for my sons.
My palliative care psychologist suggested that I leave the house every morning, visit with people, continue to get my affairs in order, I’m also working on a picture album for each of the boys. We’ve had a lot of good memories with more (I hope) to come. I have over 3,500 photographs to sift through.
My condition? Doctors still say that I’m stable. been experiencing some great days since about two weeks ago when the pain was so bad and I spent most of the day at UCSD while they ran the usual battery of tests.
Cancer has a perverted sense of humor but it’s not funny. I could have 10 brilliant days consecutively, wake up on the 11th in pain and end up UCSD for the next 24-48 hours. I normally don’t tell anyone about it, I’m not sure why I don’t and yet can be so transparent about everything else.
I have made it known that I want to volunteer and do whatever I can to lend a hand with the hospital’s cancer patients. I would like to work with the children. I want to set an example to my sons that you can receive so much just by helping someone who needs it. Children shouldn’t have to deal with terminal diseases and I believe that its our responsibility to take care of them.
I asked my doctors to schedule my appointments between 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. and the main reason for that is traffic on the 5, both north and south. I like to get there at least 1 hour before my scheduled appointment so I can grab a cup of coffee and go people watch in the main lobby of the Moores Cancer Center. The parade of cancer patients is endless, some look like they’ve given up, some who still fight cancer when they have the strength. The final profile are patients like me. I try to carry happiness and laughter with me wherever I go but I’m most conscience of how I carry myself when I’m in the Cancer Center. I feel fortunate, that for now I feel good however I am aware that there will be a time that feeling good will be nothing more than a distant memory.
But right now lets all have a Happy New Year & find it in your heart to help support as researchers continue to work on wiping cancer from this earth. I know that it’s too late for me but I have children whom it may help and your children too.
It’s Christmas Eve 2013 and the house is quiet (way too quiet) I don’t hear my sons laughter, and I miss that This was always the night that I could get them to bed by going in the back yard with a red light making up my impression of a reindeer and of course dropping into a deep Santa voice. They’d pop into bed so fast and be so exhausted from the days events and we would see them until the morning. Then their mother would start putting toys together and never have an extra parts lying around.
Today, well today is different. The last couple of weeks have found me in a lot of pain, and my balance has been off causing a lot of falls. I don’t like being this transparent about my cancer and I don’t want my boys to see me like this, but they sensed something because they kept asking if I was okay.
Whatever and whenever happen I just want to be supported by people where common love is the theme.
Mele Kalikima a me Makihiki Mou
As I slide, not always gracefully, into the 8th month of my Terminal Liver Cancer Diagnosis its clear to me that I have more to say about how I finish this part of my journey than I originally thought.
One of the comments I got from one of my doctors went some thing like this. “Bill, we always look forward to your visits because you have us laughing and we some times forget the severity of why you’re here.”
To me that sounds like a complement. I look forward to my weekly visits. I have gotten friendly with everyone from the parking lot attendant to the highest rated doctors that work each and every day with cancer patients who are near the end of their time here on Earth.It’s sad to see so many people that are so sick that they just sit and stare into space. A lot of them look like they’ve just given up.
I’m too stupid to know what quit means, giving up is just not in my DNA. About 4 weeks ago I woke up with a strange & foreign feeling. It was depression and because it was foreign to me I didn’t know what to do with it. My doctors knew what it was asked me how I felt about seeing a psychologist, I was willing to do anything, so I started seeing one and in a short time I have come to treasure that weekly hour. I contemplated talking about this but if it’s going to keep me alive longer then I’m all for it and I’m not too proud to talk about it.
I just broke up with someone whom I treasured, I just didn’t know it She was my rock at doctor’s visits. Her being a Nurse Practioner I always felt better when she was there. She could de-cipher “Doctor Talk.”She arranged my weekly pills (20 per day) and my boys loved her. I stopped by the house earlier this morning to pick up some stray items and all I could do was stare at this wonderful woman that was put in my life. We’ll stay friends and I guess I’ll need to be happy with that.
I’m getting back on track with my blogging. I realized that to be moving ahead I must stay moving. I didn’t take any naps this past week and thats a big deal.
Thanks to each of you who reached out, it helps keep me stable and centered.
A blog from me wouldn’t be complete without a photo of my sons. Trevor just turned 13 and stands 6 foot tall.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays & Mele Kalikimaka
I’ve heard strange questions or statements from people about being diagnosed with cancer. The following statement takes the “Heres Your Sign” Award for September. Let me know if you heard something better.
I ran into a friend at the grocery store a couple of weeks ago who I’ve haven’t seen in a couple of years. He said that he had heard that I had terminal cancer, I confirmed the rumor to which he replied “So when are you going to die?”
I think that this question falls under the heading of ignorant. I’m still stable & kicking.
the doctors continue to tell me that I’m stable
I’ve always kept a positive attitude when it comes to my emotions, no matter what the situation is. Like most people I’ve experienced a lot of hills and valleys. But no matter what’s going to happen, what‘s currently happening or events that have happened I’ve always held steadfast to the belief that my life is going to get better.
This belief system has worked well for me for the better part of my life until the past thirty days or so,
There are many stages dealing with a terminal disease. They include (and not in any order) anger, sadness, loss of interest in normal activities, fatigue, plus many others. Just getting me to the laptops and iPads almost takes an act of Congress and we all know how well things are working in D.C.
I’m currently in the deeply sad stage and because I’m not familiar with it I set an appointment with The UCSD Palliative Care. Their suggestion is to see a either a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I chose the psychologist because they don’t subscribe pills. I’m currently taking 20 pills daily and I’m tired of all the multi- colored, multi- shaped “magic pills.” and their side effects. Ooooh, those side effects, where do th
ey get those things?
I feel like I owe my readers an apology for this blog as it’s tone is dark but right now that’s I feel. I’m sure that things will change especially when I get to spend time with my boys this week.
Thanks everyone for your continued support. Tomorrow will be a better day.