Hey Cancer; I Made to the New Year!!

Help Cure Liver Cancer
Happy New Year! I sincerely hope that each of you has a prosperous & happy year. How many of you will be or have already made New Year’s Eve resolutions? How many people actually follow through?

I only have 4 resolutions. The first is to make it back to Sage Summit and the other is to make it to 2015. Are those doable? Sure, why not. It’s not like I’m doing much else and my main goal(s) requires me doing my part to not let this cancer get me into states of depression, sadness and self pity. The 4th resolution is that I continue to building a positive image for my sons.

Moores Cancer Center

Moores Cancer Center

My palliative care psychologist suggested that I leave the house every morning, visit with people, continue to get my affairs in order,  I’m also working on a picture album for each of the boys. We’ve had a lot of good memories with more  (I hope) to come. I have over 3,500 photographs to sift through.

My condition? Doctors still say that I’m stable. been experiencing some great days since about two weeks ago when the pain was so bad and I spent most of the day at UCSD while they ran the usual battery of tests.

Cancer has a perverted sense of humor but it’s not funny. I could have 10 brilliant days consecutively, wake up on the 11th in pain and end up UCSD for the next 24-48 hours. I normally don’t tell anyone about it, I’m not sure why I don’t and yet can be so transparent about everything else.

I have made it known that I want to volunteer and do whatever I can to lend a hand with the hospital’s cancer patients. I would like to work with the children. I want to set an example to my sons that you can receive so much just by helping someone who needs it. Children shouldn’t have to deal with terminal diseases and I believe that its our responsibility to take care of them.

I asked my doctors to schedule my appointments between 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. and the main reason for that is traffic on the 5, both north and south. I like to get there at least 1 hour before my scheduled appointment so I can grab a cup of coffee and go people watch in the main lobby of the Moores Cancer Center. The parade of cancer patients is endless, some look like they’ve given up, some who still fight cancer when they have the strength. The final profile are patients like me. I try to carry happiness and laughter with me wherever I go but I’m most conscience of how I carry myself when I’m in the Cancer Center. I feel fortunate, that for now I feel good however I am aware that there will be a time that feeling good will be nothing more than a distant memory.

But right now lets all have a Happy New Year & find it in your heart to help support as researchers continue to work on wiping cancer from this earth.  I know that it’s too late for me but I have children whom it may help and your children too.

Haloween 2013

Haloween 2013

Laughter & Sense of Humor Fight Cancer

Peter Bill Wayne
As I slide, not always gracefully, into the 8th month of my Terminal Liver Cancer Diagnosis its clear to me that I have more to say about how I finish this part of my journey than I originally thought.hope, faith liver logo

One of the comments I got from one of my doctors went some thing like this. “Bill, we always look forward to your visits because you have us laughing and we some times forget the severity of why you’re here.”

To me that sounds like a complement. I look forward to my weekly visits. I have gotten friendly with everyone from the parking lot attendant to the highest rated doctors that work each and every day with cancer patients who are near the end of their time here on Earth.It’s sad to see so many people that are so sick that they just sit and stare into space. A lot of them look like they’ve just given up.

Bill Diana Peter

I’m too stupid to know what quit means, giving up is just not in my DNA. About 4 weeks ago I woke up with a strange & foreign feeling. It was depression and because it was foreign to me I didn’t know what to do with it. My doctors knew what it was asked me how I felt about seeing a psychologist, I was willing to do anything, so I started seeing one and in a short time I have come to treasure that weekly hour. I contemplated talking about this but if it’s going to keep me alive longer then I’m all for it and I’m not too proud to talk about it.

Bill Sean Tess Boros
I just broke up with someone whom I treasured, I just didn’t know it She was my rock at doctor’s visits. Her being a Nurse Practioner I always felt better when she was there. She could de-cipher “Doctor Talk.”She arranged my weekly pills (20 per day) and my boys loved her. I stopped by the house earlier this morning to pick up some stray items and all I could do was stare at this wonderful woman that was put in my life. We’ll stay friends and I guess I’ll need to be happy with that.

I’m getting back on track with my blogging. I realized that to be moving ahead I must stay moving. I didn’t take any naps this past week and thats a big deal.

Thanks to each of you who reached out, it helps keep me stable and centered.

A blog from me wouldn’t be complete without a photo of my sons. Trevor just turned 13 and stands 6 foot tall.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays & Mele Kalikimaka

Bill Kizer
williamkizer52@gmail.com
760.518.2493

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Cancer Sucks

Liver Cancer PinThere are times in our lives that we’re dealt a hand that we’re not sure how to handle. It can leave one confused, angry, and sad. It can even make us mad at our Maker for giving us something that seems unfair.

I’ve felt all of those feelings in the past few weeks. The one overriding feeling that I’ve experienced the strongest is sadness.

I was diagnosed with live cancer recently and I have two small sons (10 & 12) whom I treasure. The thought that they should have to go through the rest of their lives without their Dad makes me tremendously sad.  I was raised without either parent so I know the feeling that goes along without a father’s influence. I’ve made every attempt to be a good father to them for that loss in my life. I know that I can’t make up for my life but it doesn’t stop me from trying to make their life better.

I’d been feeling exhausted and fatigued for some time and after my last blood work my primary suggested I get an ultrasound at UCSD

After a multitude of scans, etc. the doctors confirmed that there were multiple tumors in my liver, the largest is half a centimeter smaller than a tennis ball. The second largest is 4 centimeters and the other 3 are smaller.

What does this all mean? I’m not entirely sure but I do know no matter how brave of a front I put on, I’m afraid. I got more afraid after an initial procedure to reduce the size of the largest tumor failed due to the portal vein that was instrumental is 100% occluded. You bet I’m afraid.

Where does this lead us to now? Again, the answer is I’m not sure. I have another visit to UCSD scheduled for day after tomorrow to determine what’s next on the menu , but more importantly when and what do I tell my boys? I have them most of this coming weekend and how do I start that conversation? Hey Guys, Dad has cancer, who wants to go to the beach? I don’t want to break their hearts and shatter their dreams of doing the things that boys do with their Dads as they get older, but yet they deserve to find out something before they hear from their Mom, Boys, your Dad passed away last night, who wants to the beach?

I’d appreciate any feedback that someone may have that has gone through this. I wish that no parent would ever have to have that conversation with their children. It’s not right…it’s not right that loved ones have to stand by unable to do anything as cancer works itself through the victim’s body. I’m lucky because the woman that I love is a medical professional and sometimes I give her too much credit and forget that she’s just a human being with feelings like the rest of us, so to you I simply say I Love You for being the woman that you are and wish you didn’t have to go through this.