There are times in our lives that we’re dealt a hand that we’re not sure how to handle. It can leave one confused, angry, and sad. It can even make us mad at our Maker for giving us something that seems unfair.
I’ve felt all of those feelings in the past few weeks. The one overriding feeling that I’ve experienced the strongest is sadness.
I was diagnosed with live cancer recently and I have two small sons (10 & 12) whom I treasure. The thought that they should have to go through the rest of their lives without their Dad makes me tremendously sad. I was raised without either parent so I know the feeling that goes along without a father’s influence. I’ve made every attempt to be a good father to them for that loss in my life. I know that I can’t make up for my life but it doesn’t stop me from trying to make their life better.
I’d been feeling exhausted and fatigued for some time and after my last blood work my primary suggested I get an ultrasound at UCSD
After a multitude of scans, etc. the doctors confirmed that there were multiple tumors in my liver, the largest is half a centimeter smaller than a tennis ball. The second largest is 4 centimeters and the other 3 are smaller.
What does this all mean? I’m not entirely sure but I do know no matter how brave of a front I put on, I’m afraid. I got more afraid after an initial procedure to reduce the size of the largest tumor failed due to the portal vein that was instrumental is 100% occluded. You bet I’m afraid.
Where does this lead us to now? Again, the answer is I’m not sure. I have another visit to UCSD scheduled for day after tomorrow to determine what’s next on the menu , but more importantly when and what do I tell my boys? I have them most of this coming weekend and how do I start that conversation? Hey Guys, Dad has cancer, who wants to go to the beach? I don’t want to break their hearts and shatter their dreams of doing the things that boys do with their Dads as they get older, but yet they deserve to find out something before they hear from their Mom, Boys, your Dad passed away last night, who wants to the beach?
I’d appreciate any feedback that someone may have that has gone through this. I wish that no parent would ever have to have that conversation with their children. It’s not right…it’s not right that loved ones have to stand by unable to do anything as cancer works itself through the victim’s body. I’m lucky because the woman that I love is a medical professional and sometimes I give her too much credit and forget that she’s just a human being with feelings like the rest of us, so to you I simply say I Love You for being the woman that you are and wish you didn’t have to go through this.